I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
