Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i came on her dog
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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