Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
