Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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