Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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