i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
