I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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