i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
