I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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