I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
