I wish I could punch you in the face.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
