The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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