Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
