i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
