Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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