pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
