Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just had sex on a roof
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
