The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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