White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
