Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
