Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
