I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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