Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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