I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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