Swine flu. Run for my life!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
