Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize