Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
