I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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