tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
