K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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