I just pynch a tree in the face
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think my moral compass just broke
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
