Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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