I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
