I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
no, he came in my armpit
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
