I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
