There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
