Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
