Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
