My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
