Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
