when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
