I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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