Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
