i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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