What a fucking waste of an outfit
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
