She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
