im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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