I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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