my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
