he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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