I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
