Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
where are my eyebrows?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
