This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
im holly from the hills drunk
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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