if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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