I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
