I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How's work?
Spinning.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize