I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm just crazy horny about you
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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