u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
