im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
