I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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