my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
