I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
